Ziploc big bags are AWESOME!

So, I finished cleaning J's clothes out of the closet (Except his leftover shoes and his suit jackets). Then I used another bag to seal all of my lingerie into, because let's face it- I won't need that while I am still living here. I was also thinking of my sweaters and flannel PJ's, but then I don't know how cool the nights will get so I might just leave them, I don't know.
I think I found about 30 different socks of J's though, most of them not matching. I hope he isn't wearing mismatched socks, he never was good at things like that (kidding!).
I washed the couch cushion cover today. After I pick up K from school, Myra told me to pick up a thing of ammonia and pour it onto the cushion itself, and then pour white vinegar on it and allow it to dry and it should remove the pee smell. She said she has had to do it a couple times, once on the couch she has now and you can't even smell it when you lay down so YAY!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How did it get to this point? How do you go from swearing to love someone for the rest of your life to where you cannot, by law, even talk to them?

I was doing so well last night, and this morning. Then I get back to this house and I just lose it. I just ate a muffin K made...that's the first thing I have eaten all day. I can't stop crying, sobbing is more like it. My whole body hurts, shaking. I am pissed, sad- any emotion you can name I am feeling. Sometimes I wish I could hate him, it would make it much easier....maybe.

I cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom. I got rid of all liquor we had. I ran across J's black folder from 2004. That was fun. We missed our 1st anniversary and now we'll miss our 5th. I put some stuff in a box and took it out to the garage. Just stuff I didn't like when it was in our closet, sure as hell not going to keep it now.

I need to get rid of this cat. It can be nice but for the most part it just stays under my bed. I'm hoping J will take it. Not sure if he wants the dog to stay with him or to stay here.

Having a pity party...

4 days

Today is my fourth day without a drink, and the first one that I actually wanted one. I think it is because I am bored and stressed more than wanting the drink.
Last night and this morning I had a really good feeling. I felt good about things. That all changed about 10:30, and everything I did this afternoon just broke my heart.

Then I get back to my Mom's house, where it is just me and my daughter, and quiet and lonely. I think I am having small anxiety attacks on top of my crying fits. I also think I screwed up my eye from too much crying if that is possible...of course it might be from the other reason, either way it looks like it is bleeding.

I am a mess. I want to just go to bed and cry myself to sleep, but have to be strong for K.

Hardest thing ever

I just witnessed the most heartwrenching thing ever. I walked into my bedroom closet and saw Jason's side mostly empty. It broke my heart, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. Of course the jerk had to put on cologne before leaving so it smelled like him :(

As I looked into the back yard, I again started crying thinking of the things we would never see together. The peas that we planted, the strawberries. We were both so looking forward to the summer since last summer was a piece of shit, however we won't get to experience it.

Side note...

I might have to change my name. 2 days sober... I don't ever want to see another drink. It ruined my marriage.

Can't sleep...

The futon at my Mom's sucks. It is so damn uncomfortable. I want to be back home in bed...1 week ago.

Can't do this...

I know they say to be strong, it's all for the best. I know they are right, but it doesn't feel that way. There's the tightness in my chest, the pounding in my head. I wish to God I could have a do-over.
I do love him. I honestly wish him the best in the future.
It just sucks because he was my best friend too. The first one I call when something is funny, sad or I was just bored. I think that's the hardest part.